You never know what will happen in services.
That's maybe an odd statement to make when you're only attending Shabbat worship in Conservative synagogues. It seems to this Reform rabbi like the last time they introduced a new innovation was the wild 'n' crazy move to add a prayer for the state of Israel in 1948 (and -- to be fair -- some do mix it up by adding the foremothers into the Amidah).
But even when surrounded by the comfy security blanket that is a fixed traditional liturgy - and perhaps as a result of it - there are unpredictable moments of spiritual insight. Such was the case this past Shabbat as I bent my knees to bow eastward for Aleynu.
Aleynu means, "it is upon us" - in this case: "It is upon us to praise the Lord of all." In that moment of spiritual physicality - bending and bowing toward something beyond me, my needs, my wants - I experienced a sharp twinge of resentment. I didn't want to bow. I wanted to stand my ground with firm resolve.
Summer's a bit of a dead zone in the Jewish world. Clergy are on Sabbatical, synagogue programming grinds to a halt, Jewish institutions take this time to plan Fall programs and ready themselves for the High Holy Days. I feel like the networking/connection-forging momentum I was building has slowed to a snail's pace.
I'm nervous about the upcoming year - the part-time pieces of work I've managed to cobble together will not enable me to live independently in this pricey part of the world and I continue to wonder and doubt. Why? When? This isn't moving at a pace I like. I don't know why I can't have what others have. I don't understand why I'm not able to use my personal gifts and passions professionally. Why isn't my life looking the way I want it to?
There was something revelatory in that Aleynu moment. I don't want to praise - I don't want to accept - I don't want to accede to a greater reality that is the world that is. But that's what this piece of liturgy is about, isn't it?
It's not: "We are thrilled to praise . . . " or "It's so easy for us to praise . . . " Instead it's: "It is upon us - it is a necessity - to praise."
These words are a spiritualization of the reality that we can't always get what we want. I can spend my life mourning the "is" that "isn't." I can focus on how things aren't measuring up to the ideal world in my imagination. But instead my tradition makes me bow to something that is beyond my personal control. My life has aspects that are subject to my influence but never will things go completely according to personal plan. It is upon me to acknowledge this and to appreciate and praise what is: to understand that it is good. This is how life is unfolding. It is upon me to find a way to live happily and well within the confines of this life only partly of my making.
